Dissatisfaction

Dun dun da da dun da da dun, dun dun da da dun da da dun.....

Come on. You must know the riff. "I can't get no...." Well, yeah, I've changed the word because, in case you haven't noticed, the title of each blog post is an altered song title. But I guess I shouldn't be singing "I can't get no....dissatisfaction" because my cup runneth over with such.

Is the earth spinning on its axis at an unusual angle, and not the one that tips us a little closer to the sun that I welcome every year around this time? I mean the one that seems to be making everyone around me act almost exactly the opposite I expect them to, or whatever is causing situations I once felt to be well in hand to cascade out of bounds. I'm spinning my wheels, and I haven't the energy to run after myself any longer.

Where will I end up if I have to stop chasing words across my computer screen every day and return to the world of hiring/firing? I shiver to consider it, yet I see the path ahead of me and it's littered with poems bleeding by the side of the road because I have too many things on my "to do" list again to lavish any attention on their wounds, patch them up and ready them for the party. Will I turn into a resentful shrew with more grey hairs and a screech to my voice when I inform others that I "used" to be a writer? How do I hide my disappointment, buck up and take my turn at the wheel of our life, steer our course awhile in the gracious manner that I know is the route that should be taken instead of throw the colossal temper tantrum I feel welling up inside of me, totally unwarranted, that would inflict undue harm?

I've lived through those times when my words were THERE but the hours weren't. It wasn't pretty. Relationships with everyone within a hundred mile radius suffered. I don't even like myself when that happens. And the older I get, the less inclined I am to give up sleep.

I'm reminded of a favorite poem by Kenneth Koch: You Want a Social Life, With Friends. Basically he cautions that you can have a family, a social life and be a writer. But you can never have all three at once. I'm wondering today, did I learn anything from juggling friends, family, a job and writing when I tried it all before to be any more successful at it if I have to do it again? The very thought of it literally makes my stomach turn. If I was a drinker, I'd be drunk right now, even though as the daughter of an alcoholic, that's hardly my style or solution to anything. I'm terrified of losing my words again....especially now when, for the most part, they visit me almost every day, perky and ready to oblige. What I do know is that they'll vanish if they don't have the attention they deserve.

Oh...there's that riff playing in my head again.....I can't get no satisfaction, and no answers. Not today, at least. Not today.